“BUT I’m NOT ready for my vacation!!!” I whined to my fiance hastily, only comprehending a few seconds later what I had just said. Soon, we will be off to Indonesia for about 3 weeks. Our first stop is Jakarta, where my friend is getting married this weekend. They’ve also invited a few couples to spend the honeymoon with them (what a cute idea!). The honeymoon is in Lombok, an island east of Bali, known as the “untainted Bali” with some of the best surfing spots. We were in Bali last year and absolutely loved it, so when we had heard about the honeymoon destination, we were immediately on-board.

So why am I not ready for this lovely vacation?! Well, I feel fat!!! And quite frankly, I am about 5-7 lbs fatter than what I was last year. My clothes don’t quite fit my anymore, and I refuse to buy bigger dress sized clothes. <sigh> I have not gotten into a 2-piece all this year. In fact…I was hoping to avoid so, at least until I get into better shape.

As I continued to swim in my agony, my fiance said that it takes time and just enjoy the vacation in a country that no one knows me. I’m trying. Like most women, body image is something that I’ve been extremely critical with myself. However, I continue to question whether there is really a perfect body (to myself)? And, given what I have to do to get this perfect body, is it worth my struggle? I love food too much, and not in the moderation that’s relative to 100 calorie packs.

So what’s the moral of the story? I can tell you a few, such as “no one cares about how you look except yourself,” or “action speaks louder than words: if it’s causing you that much pain, then do something about it,” or “love thyself.” Yet, the truth is- I’m still searching for my balance, and looking for my own moral story.

signed,

“stubborn snacker seeking fat-free sweets”