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I’ve recently fallen into the trap of unable to identify and commit to my career purpose and path with clarify. Perhaps it was also because I saw so many paths that I felt overwhelmed and paralyzed. Interestingly, this disruption in my equilibrium was also caused by me having way too much free time and intentionally leaving the time undefined. I thought I go with the flow, listen and do whatever my heart so desires… It was good in the beginning, but then I just got complacent…and eventually, my guilt (a productivity defense mechanism) kicked in. I think I’m plagued by the high-achiever and checkbox syndrome.
The combined effect caused a lot of discomfort, and I was stuck in a funk for a while. Only till recently, was I able to finally pick myself up with many doses of inspiration and some purposeful structure. It’s all good…for now.
A friend in his email observed that “I have been really lazy and have been letting everything happen without really being an active participant in it”.
How true is that for many of us at times… We get so caught up (or “un-caught up”) in things. It’s scary that we continue to live in such way without feeling/defining the sense of passion, purpose and direction that WE have in store for life. The scarier thing is that many of us are not even aware of the fact that we’re doing so.
I’ve been checked out lately due to Thanksgiving break and winter break around the corner. I’ve also been less disciplined in checking the to-do boxes and instead, doing more of whatever it is that I feel like in the moment. My heart has been craving some good reads and outdoor bike rides, and so I managed to set aside my laptop and work, and did those things to my heart’s content. It felt great! My stress and pace odometers are at their all-time LOW. My skin is more radiant, and I’m shedding less stress hair…all is better, right?
Well, I’ve been also feeling a bit of the tension between wanting to feel total relaxation & indulge my inherent laziness and needing to find my passion again with something that I devote my time and attention to with hopeless abandonment. I’m torn. While I know it’ll make me really come alive again, I’m also scared of losing my luxury of laziness.
Anyhow, two happenings today FURTHER confirmed my flow and passion: public speaking.
1) We had to do a presentation today in class. I was not completely prepared but knew the gist of what I wanted to say. The team members have agreed to divide the slides and present the parts that we’ve worked on. Well, or so I thought. We MBA students are strange creatures…a little too competitive and needing to be in command way too often. Some people have the need to pose as the leader and speak the first word AND the last word in everything. I admit, I have that tendency sometimes, but not as bad as some people. Anyhow, long story short, silly things happened, my initial slide got jacked and I was pissed off at the CHILDISH unprofessionalism and lack of collaboration. Yet, when I presented my other part, all the fumes went away once I began to present. I was focused on the audience, I spoke without needing to think, and I was my most authentic and attentive self with no concept of emotional baggage. Right there and then, I knew that speaking is therapy for me and I’ve never lived more in the moment than then.
2) This afternoon, I finished my last GSI (Graduate Student Instructor, equivalent to TA) discussion class with the Undergrads. We went through our discussion topic of what it is like to be an entrepreneur. Before the class ended, I gave the students my top 8 words of advice for more broadly-speaking, someone to live his/her life to the fullest. My words- word usage, phrases, sentences, pauses and expressions came from my heart and seemed to have a mind of their own, flowing out with my authentic thoughts and feelings. I felt transparent and courageous. Everyone seemed to be so engaged, I saw a student wipping away a few tears. When I was done, an (older) student raised her hand and echoed my sentiments and advice. All of a sudden, people started clapping and I got a roomful of clapping going on. Crazy. It was like I was in one of those movies or something…
I love public speaking and communicating my thoughts and ideas with genuine care. How can I turn this passion into a career? What would I do?
I’m not completely sure yet. I just know that I love doing it.
“Delusion plus denial is a lethal combination.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quite. There is no point making a fool of yourself.” – W. C. Fields
“You can’t see the picture when you are inside the frame.”
“We take shelter in generalizations.”
“Whether in reference to new experiences or new people, our uncertainty about ourselves limits our inquisitiveness about other things.”
Weakness: anything that gets in the way of excellent performance. (NOT “an area where we lack proficiency.”)
