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I’ve recently fallen into the trap of unable to identify and commit to my career purpose and path with clarify. Perhaps it was also because I saw so many paths that I felt overwhelmed and paralyzed. Interestingly, this disruption in my equilibrium was also caused by me having way too much free time and intentionally leaving the time undefined. I thought I go with the flow, listen and do whatever my heart so desires… It was good in the beginning, but then I just got complacent…and eventually, my guilt (a productivity defense mechanism) kicked in. I think I’m plagued by the high-achiever and checkbox syndrome.
The combined effect caused a lot of discomfort, and I was stuck in a funk for a while. Only till recently, was I able to finally pick myself up with many doses of inspiration and some purposeful structure. It’s all good…for now.
“BUT I’m NOT ready for my vacation!!!” I whined to my fiance hastily, only comprehending a few seconds later what I had just said. Soon, we will be off to Indonesia for about 3 weeks. Our first stop is Jakarta, where my friend is getting married this weekend. They’ve also invited a few couples to spend the honeymoon with them (what a cute idea!). The honeymoon is in Lombok, an island east of Bali, known as the “untainted Bali” with some of the best surfing spots. We were in Bali last year and absolutely loved it, so when we had heard about the honeymoon destination, we were immediately on-board.
So why am I not ready for this lovely vacation?! Well, I feel fat!!! And quite frankly, I am about 5-7 lbs fatter than what I was last year. My clothes don’t quite fit my anymore, and I refuse to buy bigger dress sized clothes. <sigh> I have not gotten into a 2-piece all this year. In fact…I was hoping to avoid so, at least until I get into better shape.
As I continued to swim in my agony, my fiance said that it takes time and just enjoy the vacation in a country that no one knows me. I’m trying. Like most women, body image is something that I’ve been extremely critical with myself. However, I continue to question whether there is really a perfect body (to myself)? And, given what I have to do to get this perfect body, is it worth my struggle? I love food too much, and not in the moderation that’s relative to 100 calorie packs.
So what’s the moral of the story? I can tell you a few, such as “no one cares about how you look except yourself,” or “action speaks louder than words: if it’s causing you that much pain, then do something about it,” or “love thyself.” Yet, the truth is- I’m still searching for my balance, and looking for my own moral story.
signed,
“stubborn snacker seeking fat-free sweets”
Event: July 20th, 2008
Background:
Out of impulsive determination and in the spirit of new year resolutions, I signed up for the Vineman Ironman 70.3 back in early January. Having only done a couple of Sprint triathlons and badly out of shape due to MBA madness, I wanted to have something drastic on the horizon that would motivate me to get fit again. Well, the plan quickly dissipated when the spring semester flood gate opened with classes, projects, internship and club obligations in a constant rush. So, it wasn’t till mid-May when I was finally forced to confront my impulsive “purchase.”
Preparation:
It was a bit late to kick off training in mid-May, especially with a very pathetic athletic base. However, I thought I just take it a step at a time, enjoy the process, have fun along the way and see where I end up. I didn’t really follow a specific training plan, but consciously alternated the three sports and gradually loaded on the mileage to avoid injuries.
I did a few casual and prep events along the way:
- Mt. Tam Wild Boar Ridge 10K Run: challenging single-trail “hike run”, beautiful but scary.
- Bay to Breakers: not much running there, except to get away from the naked saggy butts.
- See Jane Run 1/2 Marathon: my first all-women event, felt like I was in a dri-fit fashion show.
- San Jose International Triathlon: a good mental-prep event for the Vineman, it was super hot that day and can’t forget pacman-shaped swim in the lake
In addition, I had the opportunity to swim a portion of the Russian River and bike the entire bike course. These were definitely the confidence boosters and have helped me to stick to the race.
The Day before the Race
The day before had been quite hectic running errands and getting settled (my parents just got in town the day before and my fiance’s parents left after staying with us for the last few days). My late lunch consisted of two 99 cents cheeseburger from McDonald’s and a couple of plain bagels in the car. Luckily (and unfortunately), I OD’ed on carbo-loading the entire week, so I felt like I had enough carbs for an Ironman. For the night, I stayed in a house a town over from the starting point with a friend who is also doing the race and my fiance. Finally setting down around 6pm, we had homemade pasta together and joked around while we got ready for the next day.
Race Day
Holy crap! I’ve never seen sooooo many expensive tribikes in my life!!! I felt quite underdressed with my basic road bike, a rarity amongst the norm.
Swim:
The usual drill: drink, porta-potty, drink, get ready while chit-chatting with people around me. A pleasant surprise- my parents decided to drive all the way from Sonoma (1 hr+) early in the morning to see me off. This year, they’ve grouped age 29 and under altogether as a wave, we were the third to last wave to go.
And off, we go. With swim being my worst leg, I was overall fine with this one. There were a very slight current swimming out, but overall it was nice and calm (except when you’re being passed). The swim was a lot longer than I had expected, I think hitting the turnaround bouy took a lot longer than I had expected. Also, there were a couple of spots where you could literally stand up and walk without too much effort. I did take advantage of that to adjust my goggles.
Bike:
There was an immediate hill right out of transition, which it was encouraged that we pushed our bikes up and mount up the hill. Doing so saved me some energy and helped me to ease nicely into the bike leg. My intention for this race was to enjoy the fun and ENGAGE in the moment. I definitely did that on this leg. I felt great going into the bike and was biking faster than I anticipated. Having already bike the entire course before allowed me to relax and enjoy the scenery a bit. The only time when I felt slightly fatigued was around mile 30, but bounced back after about a couple of miles and a quick bathroom stop. I loved the cheers from spectators and the guys (age 40-44 male was the wave behind mine) who were passing me. For the entire course, I passed a few of the girls in my age group and not vice versa (although I think it’s because I was already so behind from swimming). The Chalk Hill was really not bad at all- short and sweet. Although I did pass a guy (age 35) who had dismounted and was push his bike up the hill. My favorite moment was when I rode 33-38mph down the hill. Boy, was that liberating!
Run:
I was feeling really good after the bike. Going into the run, I was surprised to feel my legs in control (probably because I took it easy on the last four miles of biking). However, I was cautious to make sure that my heart rate was in range by self-perceived exertion. I definitely did not want to hit the wall. The run was a lot more hilly than I thought. Being overly cautious, I intentionally pulled back on my speed and stayed most in the 9.5-10 mile range. Having not ran more than 4 miles since my Half Marathon in late May due to Plantar Fasciitis, I was not in running shape and had lost touch to how I was supposed to feel and how much to push myself. At that point, I decided that it was more important for me to finish my first Half Iron happily and calmly, than to try to shave minutes off of an nonexistent time and risk hitting the wall and injuries. So, I basically walked up the hills and ran down the hills. As someone who refuses to stop during half marathons, you could say that I was a fellower of Jeff Galloway for the day. It wasn’t till I was in sight of the finishline when I finally decided that I was going to sprint to the finish. Which, to my surprise, proved that I had A LOT more unused energy left in the end.
Looking Back & Lessons Learned
My goal was to finish between 6.5 hrs and 7 hrs. My time interestingly was 6 hrs 59 min 50 sec. Funny eh?! Honestly, I’m bummed that I didn’t push myself harder on the run- which had I done so, I think I could’ve at least shaved off 10 minutes on the run. Next time!!! In the end, I got what I had in mind for the Half Ironman: fun, engage, challenging and sharing the experience with friends & family. This is something that my parents have never experienced and comprehended in their lives, and I’m so happy to be able to show them my joy in the world of recreational Triathlon. I was also touched to see my parents spending the whole day cheering me on. As not-so-outdoorsy people, they even took a couple of hits- badly sunburnt and my dad scrapping his knees as a result of trying to chase me down for photos while avoiding taking down some kids! Lastly, definitely want to thank my Fiance for putting up with me and my unpredictable nervousness. Finally, a major lessons learned: do not carbo-load like there’s no tomorrow. Ironically after the race, I think I actually gained a few pounds from overboarding on carbo-loading. UGH! I feel nasty. I think it’s going to be salads for the next couple of weeks!
Something has been bugging me all week. OK OK, I mean REALLY bugging me.
Exhibit A: Jenny, has her first Half Ironman triathlon event this Sunday. Has been training hard for the past few months. Tapering this week- carbo-load, going to bed @ 9 – 10pm. Nervous.
Exhibit B: My Fiancé’s parents, lovely and kind people. Here this week to visit the area. Sick, trying to recover from a cold/cough.
What’s wrong with this picture? Well, A + B = HELP! They’re staying with us, in our bedroom, which connects to the closet and bathroom.
Bed-less and banned from my closet and shoes, I felt a bit inconvenienced. On top of that, the “cold & cough” factor got me a bit on the edge. I’m usually pretty good about putting others first. But this week, with my very first Half Ironman that I sort of don’t feel ready looming over my head, I had told everyone around me and myself that THIS WEEK IS ALL ABOUT ME. I need to get my beauty sleep, eat the right things and be at an emotionally stable state so that I will not “hit the wall” during my race.
Needless to say, my nervousness soon turned into agitation. In turn, this fueled guilt (for feeling this way) and annoyance (with myself, and others). I was no longer able to visualize my race, instead I was playing the picture of me sleeping on the floor and seeing the germs floating around the public air that we share. I was an emotional mess.
To unload my feelings, I spoke to my family and friends. I also thought about checking myself into a nearby hotel. Finally, not being able to hold it in any longer, I whined to my Fiancé’s (I had avoided doing so earlier because I didn’t want to put him in the middle, a tough place to be). Without me knowing, he actually took actions to address the awkward situation.
Anyway, long story short- I decided that no one needs to move in the end. What had to move, were the dark and weighted clouds of self-pity in my head. I realized that I had refused to let go of these negative feelings because I felt like I was not heard or sympathized. I felt indignant, I felt wronged.
I became fixated on this hurtful feeling, wondering how people would feel if I were to end up getting too sick to do the event. Thanks to my fiance and his experience in competitive volleyball, I realized that my mind had detracted far away from my original intentions. I had intended to welcome the to-be family, have a good time and kick some ass at my event this weekend. Somewhere along the way, my original goal had detracted and I was binding myself to the need to feel sympathized and be recognized for my sacrifice.
This is why the mind can be self-destructive. It forms a downward spiral and becomes fixated on things that are not even relevant in the grand scheme of things. This is why strong and right-minded leaders, athletes and musicians are good at what they do. This is also why you can easily throw someone off their game by saying “hey, your bike tire doesn’t look right” to a Cyclist, “you’re not going to catch the next pass” to a Wide Receiver, or “your first-string violinist got beaten by mine” to a Cellist in the orchestra. Good ol’ trashtalkin’, baby. Even without external interference, the weak-minded players may simply be trashtalking themselves into the downward spiral.
The key is to recognize what’s important, and the nonrelevant things will fade into the fall into the ground. I was finally able to do that last night. I shoved aside the piles of nonrelevant agitations that had been blocking my excitment for the Sunday event. And what happened? I slept like a baby…on a ghetto twin-size blow-up mattress, but that’s no longer relevant.
This is an add-on to my original post on July 11th.
Earlier today, I went swimming at Lake Anza, a local East Bay lake (water is slightly nasty and you will come out smelling like the by-product of ducks…). Overall, I had a nice swim, a good warm-up for this Sunday’s Half Ironman.
EXCEPT, on my drive home, I kept feeling sharp pains on the back of my neck. Did I manage to attract freshwater leech sucking on my neck??!! Is this even possible? On another note, I am ALWAYS the first one to get bitten first (and multiple times) by mosquitoes… Needless to say, my superior visualization techniques backfired, and I was quite freaked out.
It wasn’t till I got home did I realize that I had gotten a big scratch on my neck. Probably from tucking and shoving the back zip string of my wetsuit the wrong way. Well, I now have a whole new appreciation for applying BodyGlide prior to putting on wetsuit: it not only helps you to get out of your wetsuit easier, but also prevents chafing from interestingly the back zip string (I had forgotten to apply today).
Or, maybe these silly things only happen to silly people. 
“Never a dull moment,” a comment often heard exchanged amongst Consultants, many times coupled with a slight shake of head, a sigh and a bittersweet/exasperated grin.
I still use it for work-related occasions simply because I couldn’t think of anything else other than ”interesting…”, which is way too overly connotated.
BUT, I’m *proudly* using it today on the occasion of my Half Ironman training experience:
Never a Dull Moment:
- When you are NOT sore the next day from a mile of open water swimming followed by 56 miles of cycling on persistent rolling hills- however, you are in extreme pain from getting badly sunburnt while training outdoors. Parts of you are red like a robster, and you now have a more-than-obvious sleeveless tan from your tri-top, and a freakin’ GLOVES tan from your bike gloves.
- When you are finally sore from hill workout, you do your body-good by taking time to roll out your thighs with a foam roller (good ol’ myofascial release). Well, your thighs may be feeling teeny-tiny better the next day, but your pecs and abs (I mean upper AND lower) are ironically sore from holding your upperbody up in order to put the weight of your thighs on the foam roller. Think of the plank position.
I just find these side-effects ironically funny. *shaking head, <sigh>, silly grin*: “never a dull moment.”
I absolutely LOVED this talk by Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain scientist, on her first-hand experience with her own stroke. She talks about her “out of body” experience as her left brain hemisphere shuts down, revealing an astonishing and telling experience with her right hemisphere.
I think one of the biggest reasons why I got so addicted to snowboarding and running was because of the very same experience that she is describing. I think it’s very similar to what you feel when you’re on a “runner’s high” or in the “flow.” Silly it may sounds, I’ll never forget this one particular incident when an everyday run transcended into something so powerful and life-changing for me personally. I remember that exact moment when I felt absolutely one with my surroundings, blending in with nature, flowing without boundaries, and gushing with immense gratitude and happiness. *shutters*
Recently sent a mass email to a group and gotten back the following out-of-office auto-response from this friend: “I am away for the summer on a climbing trip and I will not be checking email (and probably not voicemail either). I’ll be back at the end of August and will get in touch with you then.”
I love it.
Why is it so hard for many of us to just let go and get away?
We seem to have this sense of obligation be in the know, and to achieve a certain something by a certain time. If we stop, pause or do a 180, then everything is going to fall apart (like that VISA commercial of the checkout register). We’re afraid of missing out, to not be included in the fast track to who-knows-where.
Oh how liberating the friend must be feeling to just let go. I can almost taste this sense of freedom…from ourselves.
Well, can’t wait to have my own OOO for the 2.5 weeks that I’ll be in Jarkarta & Lombok (the “untainted” Bali) for my friend’s wedding & honeymoon! Maybe it could be something like- “I’m either surfing, hiking, snorkeling, stuffing my face, or doing nothing right now. I have no idea whether I have internet access or not, but I sure will not be seeing this email until I get back. Have a fantastic day!”
It’s close to 11:30pm, and for the past hour or so, I’ve been having this uncontrollable craving for sweets. Let’s see…a chocolate chip cookie (with melting chocolate dots), a cinnabon, a raspberry white chocolate truffles cheesecake would really hit the spot. Heck, I’m freakin’ desperate here…even a nice piece (ok, maybe chunck) of dark chocolate would’ve been good.
Unfortunately, I have none here and it’s too late to make a snack run. The ONLY thing close to sweet I have within reach is a package of tic tacs, orange “artificially flavored mints.” Well, let me rephrase: I *had* a package of tic tacs. Now, I only have an empty package…
Yes, I’ve stooped to that low. Indeed. Unfortunately, the lame tic tacs didn’t do the trick, leaving me with an orange tongue and aching cravin’ for real sweets. <sigh>
This reminds me of a few months ago when an article in the LA Times got circulated amongst some friends. The article said that everyone has a story, and it can be summarized into a six-word memoir. At the same when I read the article (late night like this one) and was having the very same craving (surprise, surprise), I wrote mine: “Stubborn snacker, seeking fat-free sweets.” HA! Looks like the story of my life stands true to form.
So, because I lounged around this entire past weekend like a lazy seal and didn’t do any training, I now have to pay the consequences on the weekdays. Funny that I do my long bike/swim training on the weekdays.
After work today, I changed into my bike shorts with the good ol’ granny paddings for a date with the bike trainer at my work’s gym. Love it btw- it’s got a CAT EYE-like bike computer that measures your cadence and distance.
The down-fall (or maybe just really “user incompetence”) to the bikes is that it’s really hard to adjust the seat height, etc. As a result, what I had hoped to be a nice jock image of me in dri-fit, bike shorts, clip-in shoes and powerbar in hand…sadly turned into a wanna-be wrestling her way to get the bike seat height adjusted. Bummer.
Luckily, the Wednesday Cycling class instructor whom I had befriended was around and came to my rescue. We had a really nice chat about the lovely sport of Tri and joked about how it makes us anti-social (it really does actually). I felt like I was one of the Tri-ppz and flyin’ high. Then, she gave me suggestions on training for the Half Ironman. She casually suggested that I just need to get in a couple of 60-mile bike rides with oh just about an hour of solid run afterwards…!
OMG! Suddenly I was back to reality, noticing my legs getting tired from pedaling already, and praying that my quads/hamstrings, energy level and ADD-like attention span would allow me last on the bike just for a freakin’ 20-30 miles top.
“Why do we do this to ourselves?!” I whined exasperatedly…like I always do.
“What? Are you talking about working or training?” She responded, coming from a noncorporate background, and had been just telling me how hard her business clients work.
It was like a light bulb going off. I suppose we DO allow us to go through some of these things in many other aspects of our lives. Things that we really do have the power to control, to make a choice. Yet, we see ourselves being helpless and victimized. We were really the ones who have decided on doing what we do because we saw the long-term benefit (hopefully that has not been changed- I think we need to stay aware of the values and benefits that we’re seeking). If that is true, then we should just shut up, quit complaining, and do what we had agreed to do.
Often people bitch and whine too much about the things that are perfectly in their control. Myself included.
